Fond Memories

Generations of people have fond memories of hanging around with their friends and doing drugs. (Or at least they would if the drugs hadn't fried their memory cells.) Whether it be an opium den or mirror with a rolled up twenty, we've all been there. And we can be there again. Join me, Crack, at any Crack In The Box location, and bring those happy times back. It'll make you feel better, too.

Crack In The Box: Because it's good for you.

Taking Charge

I sat by for a while, watching as first pot, then heroin came to the fore in drug culture. And while I had nothing against other drugs, (diversity is necessary and wonderful, after all,) I could not sit by any longer knowing that the best drug of all was being neglected. Now, Crack's Back. That's right -- I'm back. And I'm purer than ever. Look out pot. Here I come. I'm right up to your front door. Look around, and you'll see at least one of my quick-serve restaurants, maybe even on your street. And if I have anything to say in the matter, I'm gonna be here for quite a while.

From Cocaine to Crack

We have the largest variety of any drug supplier. Where else can you go that has such a huge selection? We even have an Under a Hundred Bucks Menu for those of you on a budget. And we won't screw up your order, either, cause we have a golden rule: "Never try what they buy." It's just stupid. And anyway, I hired someone to do that for me. Pardoo? Pardee? Century 21? Whatever.

Our selection is leaps and bounds beyond the competition. Since we opened, many rival companies have sprung up, such as Crackie D's, Cracko Bell, El Pollo Cracko, Kentucky Fried Crack, and Wendy's. All promise the best service, but give you crack made mostly of cheap Philadelphia coke. We're not like that. If it's not made in America, in good ol' New York, it's imported from the White Triangle. Only the best for you.

The point is, we got the most the drugs, we got the best drugs. We were first, and we still are the absolute best.

The Ever-Innovative Crack

During my early years at Crack In The Box, but mostly in the '60s, I helped develop several now-classic crack-laced food items such as the Jumbo Crack®, the Spicy Cracky Chicken Sandwich, the Breakfast Crack® Sandwich, and the ever-popular Taco and Super Taco. Who else, who else I ask you, would have thought of using crack as a seasoning? Huh?

I'm now using my fresh, innovative ideas by working side-by-side with the development team to create new classics as good as my "old favorites," in addition to a line of crack-related products. All my products carry either the Crack In The Box logo or my beautiful face, in living color. Unfortunately, my first, most requested, and most obvious creation, the Official Jumbo Sized Crack Pipe®, will still be unavailable for quite some time. You see, we have to get someone to mass produce any item we design, but most places, believe it or not, don't like drugs. At least not officially. So when we have to tell them what a product is for, we make it up. Unfortunately, the Crack Pipe® can't really pass for anything other than a crack pipe. (We've tried calling it an "inhaler" with little success.) Someday, however...

Watch for it. It's coming soon...

Rebel with a Cause

I took charge to focus this company on the betterment of the people. I'm a man on a mission. A mission to bring crack to every man, woman and child. Wait, scratch that last one. People are touchy when it comes to kids.

About those kids. Some might say I'm trying to target them with my products such as Kiddy Krack or my demonic toy-like visage. Not true. I'm targeting the child in the rest of us. The little boy or girl in all of us above 21. Some might say that my playground Crack In The Box locations are proof I'm targeting kids. Again, not true. Everyone knows that all high school teachers are on crack. It's one of our biggest markets. We're just giving the people what they want, as always.

Poppyright 1998 Northwood Pharmaceutical, Inc. All rights reserved.